Based on that title, I bet you were hoping for a post about ladies bottoms. Well sorry, go spend some time on Reddit if that’s what you’re looking for. Today I’m discussing the backsides of cars these days. Seriously, what’s with all of the new cars these days that look interesting, angry, unique or otherwise cool from the front but are ruined by the hideous, bulbous, and generally chunky backs? BMW, Cadillac, Lexus, Volkswagen, all the big names are just as guilty as one another.

Let’s take the new 2015 Volkswagen Golf R for starters…

Nicely styled, subtly aggressive front end with sharp LED headlights and massive alloy wheels, good stuff. Now, onto the back. Quad tips on a hatchback; What is this, Fast and the Furious MkVII? The dual mid-mounted exhaust tips on the previous Golf R (MkVI) and R32 (MkV) were unique to the car, especially in the hot hatch segment, and now they’re gone. Quite sad really. Also, the two creases across the back hatch make it look like house siding. Not good.


So onto the Cadillac CTS-V Estate (or Wagon as they call it)

I’m going to preface this with I’m not generally a fan of Cadillacs, since I’m not a pensioner. However, over the last couple of years Cadillac has done a good job of improving their image and making some impressive cars, this one being my favorite of them (which is why I’m sad to include it here). So, the CTS-V Wagon, a fantastically angry car from the front; lots of sharp angles and the fine-mesh grille really add to the butcher’s knife look. Someone with a ruler designed this car, and I love that fact. This is hands down the best looking Cadillac to come out since the 50’s (even if you don’t like American land-yachts, you have to admit there’s just something about those massive fins that just ooze cool). But when it passes you on the highway, which it will (quickly), you will be surprised and disgusted to see how much the rear of this car looks like a Hearse. And sorry chaps, but the only car company that can effectively pull off top-to-bottom taillights is Volvo in their old wagons. They just look really silly on a performance car, especially one that looks this good from every other angle. Plus, that bumper; Damn safety regs.


And last but not least, one of the most anticipated cars that will be released within the next couple years, the BMW M4. Don’t even get me started on the name, I’m only going to discuss the failures of rear-end design here. If I were to talk about the naming convention change I would die on this chair, or get carpel tunnel syndrome, whichever comes first.

Firstly, I’m glad BMW brought this colour back for the new car, it looked funky on the E46 M3, and it does the same thing here. Props. Also, the carbon lip and matching carbon kidney grille look sharp (literally), and definitely break up the silver monotony of the front of the standard 3 and 4 series’ of late. This car is of course a concept, so it’s overly stylized, and isn’t necessarily going to look this way once it’s in production, which in my opinion is partially a good thing. Change the rear BMW, seriously. It looks just as pedestrian as the E92/93 M3, and that’s not a good thing for your world-renowned, bar-setting performance car. The front looks the business of performance, with vents, intakes and other sporty bits. But the back is a 320d shopping trolley with some aftermarket chrome tips strapped on.


So, now that I’ve given a few examples of what not to do, my dearest car designers,  let’s take a look at some much prettier rears.

The 2013 Audi RS5

Simple and smooth, yet aggressive enough for Audi’s top line of performance cars. Nothing slapped on at the last minute, no lines out of place, no unorthodox curves or added “style” just for style’s sake. Honestly, the only thing I don’t like about this specific car is the visible rivets on the wheels, everything else is pure sex.


The 2014 Aston Martin Vanquish

This car makes the old Vanquish look like a dinosaur, and that wasn’t an unattractive car by any means. The integrated rear wing, and c-shaped taillights of this new Vanquish married to that great curve across the rear to form the boot lid from the rear quarter panel is magnificent. This belongs in a museum of art.


Some of you may be wondering why I left a few new and controversially styled cars out, like the 2013 Lexus IS 350 F Sport, for example. Well, there are two reasons for that. One, I’m tired, and two, the F Sport is so incredibly ugly that I’m going to have a drink before bed in an attempt to wash it from my mind. Seriously, it ain’t good, and that’s really too bad because the last two generations of IS were good looking cars. What a shame.